Answering the Call
I used to want to save the world. There are so many things wrong with the way humans move in their lives, and I thought if I became a spiritual teacher, I could help. For the last decade I’ve offered my wisdom and insight to others in an instructional capacity.
I thought for sure I had found the path to my ultimate fulfillment by helping others heal. Instead, I ended up frustrated and disillusioned. What I learned is that most people don’t want to do the work necessary to change. They are much more comfortable in their mess, then they are traversing the void of the unknown to reach liberation.
A False Burden
I took responsibility for their failures. Took it as a sign that I was somehow lacking as their teacher. I doubled down. I learned more. I focused on my own healing work. I went all in with practicing the theory I had been teaching. A funny thing happened. The more work I did on myself, the more I realized how much ego there is in wanting to save others.
The truth is that I have no idea what anyone else needs. I realized the only way I could actually help anyone, was to be my true self. To be in my full expression and allow others to receive from that what they will. But I didn’t know who I really was. I had always done what I thought others needed of me.
Walking Away
I had chosen the path of teacher because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Even though it never nourished or fulfilled me the way I had hoped it would, I kept trying to force it. One day, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had held on until it was too heavy to hold. It fell out of my hands and shattered.
I left that path behind, and with it, the desperate need to prove I was a good person by trying to save the world. I still have an inherent desire to be of service, we all do. But now I know that the truest service we can provide to the world, is being the most authentic version of ourselves as possible. No matter what that looks like. No matter if we even like it or not.
Perfectly Made
God doesn’t make mistakes. To think that we need to be anything else but who we were designed to be by the divine, is arrogance in the highest degree. I believe that we were each created uniquely and very much on purpose. That the purpose in life we so adamantly seek, is to simply live the truth of our being to the fullest extent.
It isn’t easy to find that truth. It’s buried underneath piles of belief systems handed down to us by our parents, religions and society. My frustration with those that would not heed my advice, turned into one of my greatest gifts. To see the turmoil and consequences of their choice to deny the truth, only led me to refuse to follow in their footsteps.
The Descent
I started the very uncomfortable work of stripping away everything I thought I needed to be, to uncover who I really am. I’ve had to face and break open the crystallized ideas my ego has covered me with. All the things it convinced me I needed, to be more valuable or significant. I am now being led to give into what I’ve avoided being that actually is true about me. The latter has been the hardest. Gut wrenching at time.
The path to liberation is painful. The sensation of loss, staggering. It’s called ‘ego death’, and though the ego isn’t really dying, the attachments to false identities are. And there isn’t just one death. There are many. All the versions of yourself that were distorted to keep you safe have to die and be born again. You have to surrender the safety they have provided in order to let them go. It’s scary as shit sometimes.
Solid Ground
I now have a tremendous amount of compassion for those that were too afraid to fully step into this work. I’m also endlessly grateful for their example of what can happen if you refuse to follow the pull of the truth. I’m not nearly done with my process, but I’ve taken the leap of faith across the void enough times now to know, there is always solid ground on the other side.
Photo by Damla Özkan